Marriage And Relationships
These days, marriage continues to be popular, and even though divorce can sometimes seem to be equally as popular, love, marriage and a ‘happily ever after’ scenario is still a state that human beings aspire to. I believe true love is there for us.
My parents had a happy marriage. After my mother died I remember hearing my father say that she had taught him true love. They had been on a few dinner dates when my father kissed my mother for the first time – and then proposed marriage to her. My sister and I were always disappointed by the next bit of the story, as my mother said that she would have to think about it. ‘Mummy!’ we had exclaimed in horror! It seemed to spoil the romance for us somehow.
My father used to say that for a marriage to work, you must continually ‘court’ your wife, that a good relationship took working at. My mother would dismiss this with ‘darling, we don’t have to work at it’. On reflection, I think my mother worked at the marriage too, although perhaps she didn’t view it as work. But my father’s needs were always in her mind and she revolved a lot of her life around him and my sister and I when we were little. The fact that she took some time to think over her decision before marrying my father demonstrates that she was aware of the seriousness of the commitment.
Last Friday I ran a workshop at the Grand Hotel here in Eastbourne [UK], educating a group of people about the Imago relationship therapy created by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. I have found the ideas expressed in their book ‘Getting the Love You Want’ offers a powerful way of living, as well as working, with others.
The basic thesis is that committed partnership offers the chance for personal growth as well as finding ways to connect deeply with your partner and to the lost parts of yourself, that relationship can be a way of finishing the unfinished business of childhood.
So often people feel disappointment after the romantic phase of relationship disappears. That is a wonderful phase, but maybe knowing that it will end could help couples move to a deeper level of commitment. Often we can find ourselves shortly afterwards stuck in a power struggle as the romantic phase ends and our partner starts to press our buttons, activate our unresolved issues and reactivate our childhood frustrations by doing something that reminds us of our parents or siblings in a negative way – leading us to react, and the reaction is often to frustrations that are inside us rather than within the actions of our partner.
Once criticism begins in a relationship it can erode love, leaving the relationship feeling less safe – but within criticism there is always a need. If we start to think about that before we open our mouths to criticise – What do I need? What am I really trying to express? - it can help stop the destructive power of telling someone what we don’t like about them! With more awareness of what a committed relationship takes, we might think more seriously about what being married or being in a committed partnership means.
http://www.data-recovery.mayursinh.jet9g.com
Our society seems to have created a culture of looking for ‘The One’ by way of a sort of tick list, so that choosing a mate is becoming a bit like choosing a house – and yet we want emotional fulfilment too. If we think instead not about looking for the right partner, but that when in relationship we must move towards the needs of our partner and genuinely listen to them and honour them as a separate human being, then like my mother we might have taken the time to think seriously before we made that commitment. I would have!
Many marriages are based on the excitement of romantic love, whereas the real joy comes within working at a relationship, finding deeper love, true love - as my Dad said. It comes within finding things to appreciate about our partner day by day – or again as my father said, continuing the courtship for the whole of the marriage – and of course being able to really communicate with one another. So much is said about ‘good communication’, but still it seems to fall down when we really want to talk over something difficult or emotive, or about something we have different opinions about to our partner.
The basic tool or skill that is described in ‘Getting the Love You Want’ is to communicate with intentional dialogue, which means listening to your partner and mirroring back what they say to check you really have got it, and then communicating that you understand their perspective and empathising with it.
We practiced some intentional dialogue round the group last Friday and everyone enjoyed it – one comment was ‘I felt calm after doing it’, another was ‘I didn’t realise how little I usually listen’ and another, ‘It was nice to feel heard.’ It is nice to feel heard – we all want to be heard, and accepted and loved for who we are. If we commit to listening to others, really listening, and become more intentional in our actions and speech rather than reactive, then all our relationships will start to improve.
‘It sounds so simple in theory’ was another comment from last week. The wonder of this skill is that it is also simple in practice – but like all things it needs to be practiced daily to ingrain it and learn it - and for it to become a way of thinking and being.
‘Everything can be achieved with practice.’
Periandros – Greek philosopher.
Copyright 2008 Julia Armstrong - Relationship Therapist
Julia has worked with people for over thirty years as a relationship coach and therapist. Her skills lie specifically in enabling people to have healthy and happy relationships with themselves and others. She is an Educator for the Imago model of relationship therapy, which is a powerful tool - championed by Oprah! - in enabling people to really listen to one another and validate and value their differences. Julia's work leads others towards real connection, healing and personal growth, allowing relationship to become a place to experience living with more joy and creativity. She is currently running workshops in Brighton and Eastbourne – please see her website for details.
No comments:
Post a Comment